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Here is the link to the real post: ‘Chemtrails,’ Ron Paul, and the Cost of Conspiracy in Arizona

Please peruse it, enjoy it, and comment profusely…the finished product reads exactly as it should (due to Mr. Swindle’s exacting editing skills)…nothing needs to be added, and nothing needs to be taken away….

But there is, in most posts, stuff that ends up on the cutting room floor that is kind of fun and witty, and you sort of enjoy it – almost like the rough heel of the bread smeared with butter and honey…it isn’t good enough for the discerning reader, but it does have its charms, and you would really prefer to keep it out of the trash can, at least for awhile.

So here is a peek at the original postscript before it gets consigned, once and for all, into the rusty, clanky, and offensively scented garbage receptacles – no, over there – in the right-hand sideyard of the mind….

***

About 30 miles southwest of Sedona, just below the summit of Mingus Mountain,  four Paulite Acolytes fan out, awaiting the impending carnage. 

It is dark all around. The SORPS (Soldiers of R. Paul) are united only by their black stealthy clothing, walkie-talkies, and sense of outrage. They communicate fluently via a series of Aboriginal tongue clicks – because you never can tell who might be listening.

They know, as only a few others do, that there is a secret underground U.S. Military base in the nearby town of Cottonwood; it is from here that the nearly-silent helicopters and jets come, issuing forth night after night, to slowly annihilate the reasoning abilities of John and Jane Doe, Americans. 

The Mission, as always, is not to interfere (How un-Dr. Paul-like that would be!), but to collect data – to accumulate and amalgamate enough evidence to bring the rotten-to-the-core Military-Industrial Complex to its knees once and for all.

Although the duty is dangerous (think about it, people!), there is a sense of honor and Esprit de corps among the volunteers – they know that any night could be the tipping point in the battle against the Huns of War.

A slight vibration is felt from within the mountain and out in the surrounding sky; it is almost unnoticeable, but our  veteran spotters know it like their own heartbeats – the Cavalry is coming! The clicks escalate – the enemy will be here soon – but what an honor, to be here, in this time and place, during the battle for the collective soul of human-kind!

John Nampion Versus Begunga Mike’s Dating Guide For Neanderthals, Part Three

To read episode one, click here.

To read episode two, click here.

***

Mike and I didn’t speak too much the first few days back to work. I could tell he was a little embarrassed with how the night at Beckiyama had turned out: No photos and a very large bill for yours truly.

The money part didn’t really matter, to be honest – Mike, for all his self-centered blather, had been a pretty good friend, helping me with all manner of construction, landscaping, and electrical projects, not only at the former marital abode, but at the new place, too. He had given me everything from eight-disk DVD players to stereo speakers to X-Box games for the kids, and had even helped me move when I sold my ex-wife’s “dream” house after the alimony bill came due. (I stayed in town, but the neighborhood was entirely different, ha ha ha.)

But I could still tell he was a little tense that the long afternoon turned to early morning hadn’t worked out differently. So when he finally got around to talking to me, he seemed a little quiet, if not downright diffident:

Hey, listen, we can still work on those profile pictures – next time I promise we’ll do it right. And I figured it might help you if you actually took a look at my profile – no one ever has, except for the ladies, of course – so you can see for yourself how it all has to go together to make it right. In fact, I even quiz the gals just before I bring them to my place:

‘What about my profile drew you to me?’

That way I can tinker with it and make it even better.

It was a nice offer, I have to admit, and would probably be very helpful, but something in me cringed at the thought of seeing another man’s innermost thoughts expressed to potential female companions. It was just a bit too private, and came perilously close to creepy. I didn’t want to view soulful bathroom pics of Mike shirtless – just like I didn’t want to be privy to his idea of a “perfect” match – especially after hearing second-hand for years about all the Chickee-poos he had ravished (my first choice, “railed”, is not suitable verbiage for a family website like this one) in the back seat of his F-250 Crew Cab. (At least he never named names. I was sure I would recognize more of them than I might want to.)

But the Begunga Man insisted I take a look – and he whipped out…his phone, and handed it to me after the page had loaded.

Begunga Mike Rides Again at PJ Media – Getting The Hottest Chicks, Every Single Time – Guaranteed!

Mike, this isn't quite what I had in mind....

http://pjmedia.com/blog/john-nampion-vs-begunga-mikes-dating-guide-for-neanderthals-part-2/

Excerpt:

My kids bothered me the most; I was supposed to be their example! Not that I told them about my social life, but how could I instruct them in proper conduct when I was nothing but a rutting and bestial cad, hell-bent on conquest and orgiastic pleasure?

I made the mistake of telling this to Mike. He just shook his head and laughed:

That thing you call a conscience is part of a primeval section of the brain known as the Godhead. It developed in the earliest humans and then grew as we became more and more evolved. Its function is to create the illusion of purpose in the organism — so that it doesn’t self destruct. This Reptilian nerve bundle created religion — and in later years hobbies like stamp collecting. But that’s a side issue. Do you want to get laid or not?

It was obviously fruitless to continue the conversation. Mike had already solved the riddle of existence: We were simply alligators in a Florida theme park — and the most aggressive among us would get twice as many dead chickens — and all of the females.

http://pjmedia.com/blog/john-nampion-vs-begunga-mikes-dating-guide-for-neanderthals-part-2/

The Legend of Birmas

A couple of Yuletides ago I tried to drum up support for a “new” holiday that would more fully address the needs of our time than some tired old story about a magical kid being born in a barn. I christened it Empowerment Day and waited for it to take off like a dysfunctional Soyuz rocket.

Of course it merely farted like a sick Yorkshire Terrier and then imploded of its own worthlessness – but the idea of a fresh, more contemporary celebration stuck with me, and I am ready to try it again.

If the new endeavor ends as badly as the last one, who cares? The whole point of this holiday is to use it as a vehicle to justify my failure to ever get any of my nephews and nieces a present, a card, or even a phone call on the two most important days of their lives: Christmas and Birthdays. (No, Confirmations and Graduations don’t count.)

Yeah! I am stoked!

I do get my kids Christmas and Birthday presents of course, but they are here with me in AZ, and, try as I can, I just can’t seem to avoid them.

But the Sibling offspring (some of whom I successfully waited out by allowing them to become adults, thus removing them from my “I should really get them something this year” consciousness), have been a consistent problem for me – until now. View full article »

Begunga Mike’s Dating Guide For Neanderthals – Part One – on pjmedia.com

Here’s the link:

http://pjmedia.com/lifestyle/2011/11/19/john-nampion-vs-begunga-mikes-dating-guide-for-neanderthals/

Excerpt:

Most women aren’t very smart. In fact many of them aren’t fully formed human beings. They delude themselves into believing that they want this or that in a relationship, when in reality what they want — and need — is exactly the opposite. If I were you I would ignore their words and just lead them to whatever destination you have in mind. They will be grateful for the help — and will thank you every time.

-Begunga Mike

John Nampion Vs. His Sharia-Compliant Teenage Son – on PJ Lifestyle

Here’s the hot link:

http://pajamasmedia.com/lifestyle/2011/10/10/john-nampion-vs-his-sharia-compliant-teenage-son/

And for your gustatory pleasure, a sampling from the main course:

Dad, religion is mostly a crutch. Scientists know that, and you should too. Anyone who takes it literally is just stupid.

OK, my boy, let’s try this another way. Let’s say all religion is just kind of daft, but it gives comfort to people, so if they want to worship, they can. What would you think of a religion that denies other creeds (not to mention atheists and agnostics) the right to exist? That dictates that all unbelievers must be killed!

That’s a load of crap, Dad. The Bible says the same stuff. Hardly anyone takes it seriously. Do you really think most Muslims want to kill Christians, or Jews, or anyone else? Ninety-nine percent of the Muslims in the world just want to have a peaceful life and get along with other people. So why would you interfere with their right to worship?

I don’t think I’ve said I wanted to do that, Nicky. I’m just saying that this “religion” that you seem to find so benign is actively involved in killing people all over the world who won’t succumb to its tenets. Therefore we need to be wary. People who speak out tend to have problems.

Christianity is the most violent religion in history, Dad. What about the Crusades?

Well I think it depends on who you talk to on that one, and besides, why do you keep bringing up such ancient history? What about 9-11? What about the terrorist attacks that take place every single day worldwide?

Dad — those people are lunatics. Just like the guy in Norway.

I’m not sure the Scandinavian Slayer is Christian. He might say he is — but his actions don’t really fit in too well with the New Testament. And he is one person. One twisted and evil individual. These others are actually following the instructions in the Koran. There’s a huge difference!

I’ve heard Begunga Mike might be making another appearance over at the Lifestyle section soon.

Downward Dog – PJM Style

Hi, Everyone! You Can Find us at The Link Below!

Make sure you have a mat and plenty of ice water before you click here!

Excerpt:

There are those moments in life when you feel everything slipping away from you — you lose your compass, your defenses, your pride, and although you know it’s going to turn out really really badly, you can’t seem to resist the pending catastrophe. This is what I felt like during the ride to the studio.

Dar-Dar and CMO were reliably upbeat as we sped through traffic.

“You’re gonna love it, Johnny,” said Dar-Dar. “There are all kinds of different people there. ‘K’ [the instructor who gave Mike the coupon] is really nice and will work with you.”

“Yeah, and she’s good looking, too,” CMO said. The two girls smiled and giggled, just enough to make me suspicious.

“And wait until you see Camel-Toe!” Dar-Dar said.

“Camel what?” I asked.

My three fellow passengers were yuck-yucking and chortling. Mike, who was driving (naturally), leered across the front seat at me and said:

Yeah, you’re gonna like Ms. Camel-Toe. That’s for sure….

***
PJM Lifestyle: A hot, sweaty refuge from the Maelstrom of real life.

Nampion’s First on PJM – Thanks Again, Mr. Swindle!

For the second time in the last couple of years, I have the opportunity to thank David Swindle for helping me out with my writing career.

He gave me a shot at NewsRealBlog back when I first started flinging my thoughts into cyberspace, and even though I didn’t usually get a ton of views, he continued to let me post there, and gave me lots of good advice.

Now he’s given me a chance to make a name for myself at Pajamas Media Lifestyle. My first post apparently did fairly well, lots of comments, and he is guiding me through my second, which is having more problems than one of those Obama-backed solar-powered start-up companies.

Oh, well – David is a good man, and a very patient individual. I hope I won’t end up embarrassing him too much.

Click the link to to get to the story – John Nampion vs. the Hometown Community Homeowners Association.

Hope you like it.

Earl Wilson Returns

Time for the obligatory monthly post here on nampion.com.

Yeah, I know, I am not only really good at this writing stuff, but my output is Bunyanesque…right?

I actually did do this post on August 10th, but my dear friend and editor-at-large “B” quashed it on the grounds that…well, it doesn’t matter.

(Don’t worry, B, they can’t see it.)

I am feverishly re-wording, of course, and hope to have the sanitized version out sometime in November.

Maybe I (lots of Narcissism here, I know, sorry, it’s really all about me these days) could increase my posting frequency by doing a daily or weekly grab-bag of stuff ala my childhood hero Earl Wilson:

“Poor David Letterman…he’s had his troubles, without a doubt, but this Muslim thing, it’s just over the top, isn’t it?

“His Hollywood friends have rallied to his defense by taking a long and anonymous moment of silence.”

Of course Earl would never limit himself to a rehash of current doings in the Entertainment Industry:

“After 2.5 years of resisting the advice of his family, aides, and the American people, our fearless Toiler-in-Chief has decided to take a much-needed respite on Martha’s Vineyard.

“Despite entreaties to ‘get off the grid’, his Huzzah will limit the sun and sailing to Saturday afternoon, and will begin a series of 11-hour daily brainstorming sessions that evening, culminating with a strategy meeting on bus deployment and neighborhood reconnaissance with loyal ally Maxine Waters next Thursday.

“Aren’t we glad he’s on ‘our’ side?”

It’s a really fresh yet Art-Deco way to approach the events of the day. I’m actually thinking about doing it, when I finally get around to blogging again.

“Greetings, Gotham! Appearing tonight, and tonight only, at the world-renowned Ethel Barrymore Theater on Manhattan’s Great White Way, is our fearless, pugnacious, and righteous Leader-for-life, Barack Hussein Obama, in It’s my House – Not Leavin’ Now“.

Or something like that. What do you think is causing this rash, anyway?

The Best Place to Hike in Phoenix

You know it’s a good place to hike when you can find not just one, but

at least two American flags after your trek to one of the many summits.

Kate, you need to dust off those pipes and belt out a couple verses of that ‘ol Philly Flyers song:

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