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Aug/09

20

Steve’s Adventures in a Slowing Economy – Episode 7A

It’s amazing how many different clubs Mrs. Steve was a member of back in Ohio. Most of them were affiliated with either the Catholic Church (St. Bonaventure, aka St. Buster’s) or its namesake school. The Academy’s athletic teams, the Saint Buster’s Dusters, were known and feared on a statewide and regional level.

Here is a partial list of some of the clubs, organizations, and activities she was involved in:

Daughters of Mary.

Daughters of Martha.

Daughters of Mary and Martha.

Daughters of Mary, Martha, and Tamika (an attempt to bring the younger set in).

Lutheran Outreach Festival.

Las Vegas Night.

Question The Jesuit Night.

Take A Senior To Lunch Weekend.

Art For The Disabled – An Act Of Love.

Moms N’ Tots.

Polka Mass Marathon.

ETC.

Mrs. Steve was a very busy woman!

The hard work at the Church and School was obviously very taxing, but Mrs. Steve shouldered the burden cheerfully, and her ringing laugh was a fixture at many a happy event.

Imagine her consternation when Steve stuck a pipe in the wheel spoke of her life!

He came home one night, all jazzed up from too many cups of coffee, and proclaimed that the whole family was going to convert to Missouri Synod Lutheran!

Forget the Lutheran part – coffee? No way! When Steve went out at night he drank…he didn’t waste any time swilling caffeinated beverages, that was for sure.

So Mrs. Steve was worried that maybe he had hit his head or something worse.

But no, it was true…he had spent some quality one on one time with Mr. Untemeyer, his new boss at Clarion Investments, and Mr. Untemeyer had convinced him that the heresy-laden Catholic Church was not in any way the ticket to heaven – so it was critical that the Steve family get on the Protestant bus – and right quick, too, before God passed his sentence.

Mrs. Steve was more than a little jaded about this – and for good reason.

First of all, Steve hardly ever attended church – so Mrs. Steve didn’t think he was too worried about his soul.

She thought it was more that Steve was trying to push his head straight up Mr. Untemeyer’s ARSE so that he could make a good impression and move up in the company. He was currently a Senior Manager, and there was talk about creating a new Vice President position – which Steve wanted badly.

Besides, Mrs. Steve didn’t trust Mr. Untemeyer, not for one second. She thought he was a venal and poisonous man, and a glutton besides. He was a huge sweaty mess of humanity, his shirts always wet and in various stages of untuckededness (is that a word?). He was always pulling up his pants and trying to get himself tucked back in, but it never worked 100% or even 50% of the time. His suits surrounded him like vacuum packaging around a heaving globe of bologna – you never knew when he might just EXPLODE, liver spots and all, and create a Servpro disaster area!

Now Mrs. Steve was a tolerant and loving individual – she was proud of the many good and true Lutheran friends that she had – but she also had a RADAR, and Mr. Untemeyer was a Bogey on the horizon, no doubt about it. If she didn’t defend Steve from him, he would end up fired and penniless once Untemeyer had used him for whatever nefarious purpose he had in mind.

She was ready for battle. She didn’t like Steve’s drinking all that much – but she was damned if she was going to let him turn into a stiff, humorless, bible-riffling robot, either!

She cracked her knuckles and slid a beer across the table to her husband. She was going to get her point across – no matter how drunk she had to get him.

Note: Mrs. Steve has no such recollection of ever feeling this way towards anyone in the Lutheran faith. True, she didn’t (and doesn’t) like Mr. Untemeyer, but only because he is an evil d**khead. She enjoys scrapbooking with her Lutheran friends and is especially fond of the strong coffee, wonderful ice cream (with sprinkles) and bounteous cakes they so excellently prepare.

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4 comments

  • Anonymous · August 25, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    Removed by the author, what did you spell something wrong there Johnny.

    -Xavior

  • John Nampion · August 25, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    Yeah, actually I did, Xavior…whenever I think of you my intelligence degrades…and when I'm responding to you, there is always the possibility of becoming as dumb as one of your favorite country singers or even yourself…but I'm ok now…thanks for asking…go stand on your shrimp trawler and talk to yourself some more.

    John.

  • Anonymous · August 25, 2009 at 2:37 pm

    John,

    Your response is devoid (or absent for the vocabulary challenged) of any poignant value. Was I supposed to be insulted? Please, take the time to create a salient response next time; our leader deserves such an effort. Hail.

    -Xavior

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