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Sep/09

25

Steve’s Adventures in a Slowing Economy – Episode 7G

Daughter #1 thought she had planned the attack perfectly – she had walked through every contingency and  had deemed the entire scenario foolproof.

But she had neglected to consider interference from the air, and it was the undoing of her plot.

Just as she gave Son of Steve the go signal, she felt something grabbing her by her upper arms – and the something was wiry and strong and inescapable.

She growled in frustration as her legs churned through the air.

She didn’t know it at the time, but she was being hoisted up by none other than Andrew the Youth Pastor!

Suddenly she was flipping through the air, rear-end over teakettle…she was definitely not in control, which ordinarily was a problem…but when she landed softly in Pastor Andrew’s arms, and looked up at his silly, goofy grin, she knew she was about to have some BIG FUN, and ceased to care about kicking anyone.

Son of Steve was having his own happy time over on the left-hand side of the now-aborted pincer movement. He ran, his little arms flailing, towards Mr.Untemeyer, smiling exultantly, overjoyed that he was about to hug this extremely fleshy person.

In a suprisingly deft movement for such an enormous man, Untemeyer sidestepped Son of Steve…who ran headlong into the ample and matronly Mrs. Andronica…recently widowed…who gave the boy more Grandma squeezings and cleavage smotherings and coo-cooings than anyone should deserve in such a short life. Son of Steve hit the jackpot on that one!

Mrs. Steve looked over at Steve, her eyes bigger than ping-pong balls.

Steve’s eyes were large as well, but not because he had almost witnessed his children blitzkrieg his boss and family. No, something more fascinating (and disturbing) had captured his attention:

Mrs. Andronica’s breasts!

They were MONU-MENTAL!

Steve had never seen anything like them, not even once.

He didn’t want to look, not at all…but it was like witnessing a catastrophic fire…you had to at least peek through your fingers…right?

As Mrs. Adronica bent over to pick up little Steve, her enormous udders unspooled…and heavy with weight and age, they presented themselves to our financial services hero.

He couldn’t stop staring…he wondered how much pudding you could pour into a balloon before it ripped and spilled its contents. He tried to imagine -

Just then he felt an excruciating and burning pain in his right tricep. Mrs. Steve was pinching him…and hard!

She hissed into his ear.

"Steve, get with it…your kids almost started a riot here…do something!"

Steve looked at his boss…he didn’t seem to be aware that anything had happened. He was watching with everyone else as Pastor Andrew (a former gymnast and Big-Ten cheerleader) flipped daughter #1 into the air again and again as she screamed with delight. Pretty soon some other kids joined in, Andrew flinging them from here to there with abandon…he would occasionally jump himself and land on the ground  like a chimpanzee, scratching his armpits and screeching like our primate cousin.

He could contort himself in strange and flexible ways. He could bend his hands back until they touched his forearms. He could take either leg and put it behind his head while standing and carrying on a conversation. He could make his lips all rubbery and fluid like swimming electric eels, which never ceased to amaze the little ones. Best of all, he could stuff an entire GLASS glass into his mouth and shake his head like a dog playing with a dead  rabbit! The Calvary congregation, fusty as they were, felt truly blessed to have him, especially because he was obviously masculine and had a beautiful wife and super-nice kids - which was more than you could say about the wan and sissified Catholic leaders across town.

After all….

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3 comments

  • Xavior · September 26, 2009 at 11:11 am

    John,

    I don't get it… this is the third episode… yawn… it’s virtually interchangeable with and identical to the previous two; in of themselves say absolutely nothing, what’s worse is confidence in this being true regardless of whether or not a segment is omitted.

    Luckily, it’s pretty funny when you consider changing the context; imagine the children being church altar volunteers and the priest a pedophile. Then re-read the following:

    “She growled in frustration as her legs churned through the air.”

    “Son of Steve was having his own happy time over on the left-hand side of the now-aborted pincer movement.”

    “He could contort himself in strange and flexible ways.”

    See now that’s hot, take it bishes.

    So now that you’ve cleansed your system of the soft porn, breasts, and children getting molested, can we get back to the political humor? Johnny, you should be more like that bloke in “Begunga” that guys cool.

    Rather than conclude with a few well placed, witty, and appropriate insults, I thought I would help by making some suggestions. I heard Monica is back in the White House and she likes dark meat; use your imagination and run with the ball, not only will you get to write something interesting it will satisfy your smut fetish. How about a nice piece on Obama, “Hey Venezuela, be my friend, I’ll give you uranium.” Or a rant about putting the swine flu to good use; let’s infect fat women, they’ll shed the fat like leppers. I know it’s hard to pick up the pen after a masterpiece like “Begunga” but get on it jerky.

    -Xavior

  • Anonymous · September 28, 2009 at 9:08 pm

    nice pic John you should feel good about yourself, and i bet your a better dad than you give yourself credit for. keep on writing and will commnt more later.

  • Xavior · September 29, 2009 at 7:05 pm

    Johnny,

    Awe isn't that cute you have an admirer. Quit screwing around and finish the damn story.

    -Xavior

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